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A Mother's Humor






When God Created Mothers

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around with this one."
And the Lord said, "Have you read the specifications on this order? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And have six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands? No way!"
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord, "it's the three pairs of eyes the mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are the kids doing in there?' When she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't, but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in the front that can look at a child when he goofs up and says, 'I understand and I love you.' without so much as uttering a word."
"You should scrap it and start over." Said the angel.
"I can't," said the Lord, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of the mother very slowly. "It's to soft." she sighed.
"But tough." said the Lord excitedly, "You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure."
"Can it think?" asked the angel.
"Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise." Said the Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced, "I told you, you were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."
"What's it for?" she asked.
"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness and pride."
"You are a genius." Said the angel.
The Lord looked somber, "I didn't put it there..."
Received via E-mail




Mommy Brain

If you've left the crayons to melt in the car,
And forgotten just where the car keys are.
There's a perfectly good way to explain:
You see, you've come down with "Mommy Brain".
When you're not sure where the past eight hours went,
Or whether the phone bill check's been sent,
If you've left the laundry drying in the rain,
It's just--you guessed it--Mommy Brain.
If you find yourself chatting for hours on end
About diaper prices with your cyber friends,
You've just caught a particularly virulent strain
Of that affliction known as Mommy Brain.
If you've left your bags at the grocery store.
Or completely forgot what you went there for.
If you called the cat by your baby's name.
You can bet that Mommy Brain's to Blame.
And if you know the words to Good Night Moon by heart
Or if you study your sleeping babe, like a work of art.
If you're always surprised by how time is flying,
And the thought of that first birthday starts you crying........
It's unavoidable girls, and I feel your pain.
For I, too, suffer from Mommy Brain.
But I'll admit one thing...Of this I'm sure:
I hope they never find a cure!
E-mailed to me



Childhood Doesn't Wait

I was sitting on a bench
While in a nearby mall,
When I noticed a young mother
With two children who were small.
The youngest one was whining,
"Pick me up" I heard him beg,
but the mother's face grew angry,
as the child clung to her leg.
"Don't hang on to me." She shouted,
As she pushed his hands away,
I wish I'd had the courage
To go up to her and say...
"The time will come too quickly,
When those little arms that tug,
Won't ask for you to hold them,
Or won't freely give a hug.
"The day will sneak up subtly,
just as it did with me,
When you can't recall the last time,
That your child sat on your knee.
"Like those sacred, predawn feedings,
When we cherished time alone,
Our babies grow and leave behind,
Those special times we've known.
"So when your child comes to you
With a book that you can share,
Or asks that you would tuck him in
And help him say his prayer...
"When he comes to sit and chat
Or would like to take a walk,
Before you answer that you can't
'cause there's no time to talk.
"Remember what all parents learn
So many times too late,
That years go by too quickly,
And that childhood doesn't wait.
"Take every opportunity,
If one should slip away,
Reach hard to get it back again,
Don't wait for another day!"


I am a Mother

I am Queen of the castle.
Chief cook and bottle washer,
And Head Chef at Chez Moi.
I am defender of good against evil.
I am slayer of horrors, unseen.
With a wave of my hand, I can stop a wars.
Armed only with tape and glue, I can build a fortress.
With a needle and thread, and a handy bath towel,
I have single handedly created super heroes. (and then sent them to bed).
I am able to fix broken hearts with just one kiss.
I have stopped tears with nothing more than my touch.
I can say "I love you" With only a look.
Am I a natural wonder of the world?
No... I am a mother.
kerri '98




You Know You're a Parent When... (12 surefire signs.)

You eat dinner on dinosaur-decorated place mats.
You catch yourself singing the Barney theme song ----in public.
You stop the tears by taping broken crayons back together .
You long for nothing more than a good night's sleep.
You buy jelly according to the characters on the jar.
You know the best way to scrape dried Cheerios off the floor.
You find out you never have to buy another Christmas ornament.
You share the storage closet with a miniature broom and Vacuum cleaner.
You take phone messages in crayon.
You always buy the big pack of batteries---but you can never find one when you need one.
You find action figures in your washing machine.
You find yourself cutting your spouse's meat into bite-sized pieces.




The Evolution of a Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name:
1st baby: You pour over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your Great-aunt Mavis. Right?
3rd baby: You open the name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo. Perfect.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that it didn't work last time.
3rd baby: You ask for an Epideral in your 8th month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash your baby's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the one's with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boy's can wear pink. Can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown-- you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick up the baby only when the wails threaten to wake your first child.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old who to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your baby to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your baby to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your baby to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time that you leave the baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave the number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day, just gazing at your baby.
2nd baby: You spend a good bit of every day watching to be sure that your older child isn't squeezing, poking or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a good bit of every day hiding from the children.




Kids Say the Darndest Things...



"Why, Doesn't He read lips?"

My husband and I know a couple and the wife is deaf. However, in addition to speaking sign language, she reads lips very well.
I noticed one day my son was talking to her and she was having a hard time reading his lips because he kept looking away.
Thinking that he didn't understand, I said, "She can't hear you. She's deaf."
He replied "Oh, we learned some sign language in school."
I told him that he could try it some time, but that some people who were deaf could read your lips when you were talking if they could see them.
Well, several months later, after a much too long hiatus from the church, I decided to return.
Upon entering the church, I made the sign of the cross, then again as we found our seats, I knelt and I did it again.
"What are you doing that for?" he asked quietly.
I thought that he couldn't fathom The Trinity, so I said, "I'm telling God how much I love Him."
"Why, doesn't He read lips?"




"Do You Want Me to Lick Him?"

My youngest son, scheduled for a Tonsillectomy, was catching a cold. "Come here," I said, "Stick out your tongue like this," sticking my tongue out as far as I could, "and let me look at your Tonsils."
"Why?" he asked innocently.
"Because you're getting a little hoarse." I said concerned that we might have to reschedule the surgery.
He looked puzzled, "Do you want me to lick him?"
As if that wasn't enough, my oldest son yelled, "Gabe always gets everything!"




           





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Monday, October 23, 2000 09:10:42 AM